03.29.09
There’s A Man Assigned To Me
I miss Peter more than I ever have in my life. Even when we’re together, though, we don’t talk about all our problems. But, just being near him seems to make life better. It’s so hard to describe. He’s kinda like my drug, but I can’t afford it all the time, so I have to save up to get him.
Lol, terrible analogy. But oh well.
Speaking of drugs, I watched Requiem For A Dream, and it’s totally fucking with my brain. If I even start thinking of it, I just wanna curl up and cry in a corner. It’s haunting me, pretty much. It was very good, though….but definitely not one you should watch alone, which I did not, thankfully!
So…Ben and Rose are moving out Monday. I wanted to go home this weekend to see them, but I couldn’t. I had to go hang out with my Aunt and Uncle who decide that now, after 15 years of no contact, to want to see me. I went to see my Aunt perform some Celtic music stuff, but it was super awkward. Luckily, my two friends Kelsey and Christy came with me, so it wasn’t super duper bad. Ben is moving to Commerce, which isn’t too far. But, I don’t have a car, so I never have an easy way to get there, ya know. Plus, summer is going to be hard/weird, since he won’t be there.
For the past 19 years of my life, he’s been there.
How am I supposed to handle this all of a sudden. I thought he was moving out the next weekend, but then this kinda got sprang on me….
It’s hard to take and I can’t/don’t want to handle it.
02.05.09
I Hope You’re Happy Now
Maybe I continue to hold on because it’s all I have. Maybe it’s because I know he wants me, and I don’t think anyone else does. I have a guarantee with him that I don’t have with anyone else, it seems.
So why would I let go of that?
01.30.09
You Will Be The Death Of Me
So, lately, I’ve been feeling a bit depressed. I think I know the reasons, but I guess I don’t want to admit them to anyone, especially myself. But it’s only 10:46 and the day is already full of joy, because at around 2:30 or so, me and Christy shall be heading off to Athens to go see Peter at UGA. It’ll take us a while to get there, but we’ll enjoy every minute we’re there, I bet. :D
Next weekend should be good, too, cause I’m going home. And probably the weekend after that, too. I think I’ll invite the “gang” over next weekend, since I haven’t seen most of them for quite some time. That would be awesome if they could all make it, at least for a little while. Maybe we’ll play The Game Of Things again and say more racist/ridiculous things. YAY!
The only drawback to this weekend’s endeavor is that I have a million things due either this weekend or early next week. So I’ll have to study super hard on Saturday/Sunday. I have a CSCI quiz due by Sunday @ Midnight. And on that Monday, I have a Psyc quiz, a Soci quiz, a Soci paper, and a Pre-Calc quiz. GOOD GOD! I have a lot of shizz to do. And on Tuesday, I have a CRJS TEST and a CSCI Web-page due. So, yeah. Lots o’ studying going to be happening soon.
I’m at work right now, but there’s really nothing for me to do yet. So, I’m just watching AMVs on YouTube and typing on here and MySpacing. I’m totally wasting company time, but…..That’s okay? I guess so…
I have a guy dilemma, though I really shouldn’t be worrying about men right now. I have too much studying to do. But, he [lets call him JUNGY] just confuses me so much, ya know? I’ll send him a message, and he won’t write back, but he’ll remember it days later and bring it up. Then he adds me to his top friends [slot 5] and when we talk-just us two- it’s so intensely awkward that it makes me want to scream. And the other day, I almost called him and told him, “hey, guess what, I like you.” But, I resisted that terrible urge and did not do that. But, gah, I think one of us just needs to tell the other one something someday soon. He’s sooo cute, too…..
BUT, the real dilemma is, is if me and him try to start something, will I be able to not let my thoughts wander to HIM as much? That was the main reason I stopped talking to Dennis, cause I thought of HIM and I was like, No, I’m not ready to let go of him for you, Dennis. But can JUNGY make me finally ready to let go? Or will that end up the same way if anything progress with us? GAH!
I’m scared of even THINKING of trying to commit to someone. Cause I’m so helplessly in love already. Gah, listening to “I Want You To Want Me” while typing this is probably not the smartest thing ever on my part. But it was an AMV, so I was like YAY! But, anyway, back to me. maybe I can let go, but only if I find the right person for me to switch holds on. I dunno anymore. Even though I say that I shouldn’t think about boys, it’s so hard NOT to. My brain is wired in a weird way to my heart, so it’s all so confusing. And if I get mad about it, I cry, cause my tear ducts are hooked up to my anger transmitters it seems.
I’m a wreck. But hey, that’s just me. And if I have HIS love, then I think I must be doing something right with my life. Or else, I would have nothing to hold to, ya know? :D
Though, some days, I wish HE had lied and told me that he never felt that way about me. It might be easier right now, somehow. But then again, I might have fallen for Dennis’ tricks if I hadn’t had HIS hope to hang on to. Maybe my worthless hope saved me.
But who knows if it will do that again?
“Don’t fool yourself. And don’t kid yourself…” -Muse “Blackout”
01.27.09
Cherished Dreams Forever Asleep
Wow. So, this thing hasn’t been updated in a while. I guess I just didn’t really know what to say, or was just too busy. Or maybe I’m lazy…yeah, that’s probably it.
I never really have a lot of time to just sit down and write on here anymore. I’m trying to do better than I did last semester, so that’s causing me to have to study more, lol.
So, what have I been up to lately, eh? Well…me and Dennis are no longer talking. I was just thinking of my life, and talking to certain people and just got to thinking. Someone said, “Think of your life without them. If it doesn’t make you sad, then they really don’t matter.” So, I did, and it turned out that my life would not change at all if he was not in it, as mean as that might sound. I don’t intend to sound mean, but that’s just the truth.
School’s been a bit crazy. I’m just not interested in any of the classes except for Criminal Justice. (Go figure, right? Never should have changed my major…) But Psychology is boring, CSCI is, too. Sociology is a little interesting, I suppose and Pre-Calc is just super confusing. I dunno…I just care so little about every aspect of my life right now, that it’s kinda really depressing. Everything just seems dull. I get paid Friday, but money really can’t cure the super sad mood I’m in.
I guess I’m just in a slump right now. I’m not coming home this weekend, cause I have a CRJS test next Tuesday, and me and Christy are going to study, and I never do my homework when I go home, so yeah. But hopefully I can go home next weekend cause Sonny said he might be coming down to LAV on that weekend, so that will be cool since we all can’t be there with him for his birthday, which is on Thursday.
Speaking of Thursday, I think me and Christy are going to go to the Ballroom Dance lessons they have here for free at the Gym, so that should be super special awesome! Maybe I’ll ask that certain someone to come with us. :D
But, probably not. I’m such a coward when it comes to guys. I’M CURSED TO HAVE GUYS LIKE MY EX BE ATTRACTED TO ME!!
NANDE?!?? Nani atteno!!?
01.16.09
I Won’t Let You Smother It…
I’m at home again. Yay! It’s only been about 12 days since I went back to school, but it just feels like so much longer, so I’m glad to be back.
Let’s see if I can re-cap the week. Wednesday, I went to my classes and then to Anime Club, where me and Dana left half an hour before it ended to go with Christy, her boyfriend Sean, and his BFF to go to the movies. We were going to go see The Unborn, but the boys wanted to see Gran Torino, though one of them had already seen it. But, we obliged and went, too. I had no idea what it was about, but I liked it immensely!! It was so cute and funny, but yet sad and touching. Clint Eastwood did an amazing job in it!
Thursday, I went to work, class, and then dinner. Nothing much happened, but me and Christy watched The Office with Susannah and Kelsey, so that was loads of fun.
This morning, I had Pre Calc at 8 a.m., so me and Christy got breakfast at 7 and then went to class. Mine was canceled. I could’ve come home yesterday, but NOOO. But me and Susannah hung out downstairs at a table and just talked until me and Christy went to the infirmary, and then mom picked us up from there and drove back to the dorms and then we hit the road.
Cory let me borrow Shadow Hearts for the PS2 like forever ago, but I finally got to play it tonight, and it’s really good. it reminds me of Suikoden at times, and of FFVIII, but that’s a WONDERFUL combination, so yes.
Now, I’m just waiting for Ben and Rose to get home so we can over our movie plans tomorrow and see what the hell is going to happen. :D
Toodles!
01.13.09
Smile Like You Mean It
So, I had my first Sociology class yesterday evening, and it was pretty insane. It lasts from 5:30-8:20, so that’s a long time. But we got a five minute break thing after a while, so that was nice. My professor is insane, and that’s kinda good. I told my boss today that he was my teacher, and she said they were friends, so she knew how nuts he could be. :D
But, it was alright. I’m excited about all my classes, really, except for Computer Science. It just seems sooo basic. I dunno, maybe it’ll get better later.
There’s probably more I wanted to say or talk about, but I can’t really think of anything right now. I went to the gym yesterday and then walked pretty much all over campus, so my legs and back are really in pain right now, so it’s hard to concentrate on stuff for too long. But, I’ll post again later tonight probably, and tell you all the things I can’t remember now. :D
01.11.09
If You Like It Then You Should’ve Put A Ring On It
So, at around 12 or so yesterday, Christy came and got me, and we went to Taco Bell. We ate in her car and just talked about our lives. We got back to our rooms at around 2 or so. I called Dennis, but couldn’t really talk, cause I was sad and that was making him worry and stuff. Plus, he fell asleep while we were talking, so I just let him go and cried for about a minute. I don’t really know what I was sad about, but I was. I think I was just worried about Christy and plus she said something that made me think about the one thing I want but can’t have, so yeah.
But, she let me sleep in today till around 3, which I really hadn’t noticed that I had slept that long. But we went to Chow and I had pizza for breakfast. Then we walked back to the dorms after saying goodbye to Sean and then we tried to go to the animal shelter, but they had closed ONE MINUTE before we got there. So, we went to Helen. LOL. I know right, SWERVE! But, I had only been there once, on a Sunday, when they were pretty much closed, and I was around 10. So, Helen, to me, was a magnificent and magical place. All the roofs were red and the buildings a white-ish hue, but it was so amazing. They had horse-and-carriages you could ride and a wonderful Glassblowing shoppe, where you could actually watch a man make things with glass in like 5 seconds. He was pretty durn awesome, yo! But yes, I want to live in that Fairytale place. Hopefully we’ll go back again someday.
Then, we got back and watched Kill Bill Vol. 2 and ate some microwaveable dinners and such. During the movie, Christy got a strong hankerin’ for some sweets, so we made plans to go to Wal-Mart when the movie was over and get some cookies or something. We went, and there was this TERRIBLE book that her and Sean had looked at previously, so we sat in the shoe isle and just read that book for about an hour. It was so terrible. It was called What A Husbands Needs From His Wife and it was all a GIANT PILE OF BULLSHIT!!!
And now we’re here, waiting for our purchased Sweet Rolls to cook and both just internetting on the school computers. But all is well, and I can’t wait to go home Friday. :D I think Christy may be coming with me since me and Sean are both going home, and she will be all alone. I don’t want her to be. So yeah.
:D
AND WE’RE GOING TO SEE THE WRESTLER!
YAY!
Toodles!!
01.09.09
So Why Are You Running Away
So, yesterday was pretty swank in every way it could be. I had Criminal Justice and Computer Science class, and I got to sleep in till 11 cause my classes didn’t start till 2 something. That was amazing. Then, at around 7, I met Joey and we followed Izy and Karl to Dax’s house. That was super duper fun. We watched Resident Evil: Degeneration. It was good, but the “romantic” scenes were kinda cheesey and lame, but that’s expected with RE. But, it was fun. There was a guy there that I kinda have a crush on, and I noticed he kept looking at me…frequently. HE CONFUSES ME SO MUCH! Omg. He sat in front of me while we were playing Guitar Hero and during the whole movie. He leaned back and his fingers touched my toe, and we both scattered away like cockroaches in light. That was a terrible analogy, but oh well.
I kinda hoped to get a hug when he left, since we were standing oh so close and talking about Fallout 3. But, I was too shy to ask, plus everyone could see us, so yeah. I would’ve cried, probably, if he had said no and everyone saw. I DON’T LIKE HUG REJECTIONS! So yeah, I just smiled and waved good-bye. I’ve tried in the past to see if we can hang out or go do something, but he always skirts around the idea. So I have no idea what’s happening with that.
I talked to Dennis last night, and he was in a weird mood, but I think he was in a better mood by the time we hung up. He made me sad, cause he kept saying all these negative things, and I can’t handle that much negativity. One thing he said made me cry, but not in a bad way. He was saying something that nothing in life makes him happy or something and I said, “When you see a kid run up to his mom and say random things, does that not make you smile?” He said no. I retorted, “Well, it makes me want a kid that will tell me useless things like it’s the greatest thing in the world, and then I will think it’s the greatest thing, too.” And he said, with all the sincerity in the world, “You’re going to make a wonderful mother.” I wasn’t expecting it, so I kinda cried. Out of happiness, though. I hope to be a great mom someday in the future. :D
Well, I think I’m going to head back to the dorms and get outta the library. Will post later, maybe tomorrow.
TOODLES!!
